Recovery Story: Anonymous
My Eating Disorder is a story that still seems rather bizarre at the moment, as I struggle to accept that I had this phase of my life and still try to detach myself from it.
My ED started when I was 15 years old back in 2013. How it came about would probably sound absurdly childish to some. Being an immature 14-year old, I was involved in a boy-girl relationship. The boy who I was with, let's call him J, admired a lot of pretty girls even when I was in a 'relationship' with him. Having seen the photos of the girls that J liked, all of them looked beautiful and had the same body size - thin legs and a flat tummy. The relationship ended a few days before I decided to work for that beautiful body, with the goal that J would be admiring me instead of other girls. It was a very childish mindset, but it spiralled down into exercising crazily and eating an unsustainable amount of food. I did not even know that such habits were disordered, until I came across a local blog, where the writer suffered from ED as well. I contacted the writer and she listened to my disordered thoughts patiently, and later advised me to seek medical help. That was when I decided to go seek for medical treatment with my mother. The hardest part was to actually admit that I needed help. The girl gave me the motivation that I needed to take the first step forward to recover, and I also knew that I could not live my life restricting my intake and exercising excessively.
It is torturing to have disordered thoughts forcing you to starve and exercise every day; such thoughts controlled my entire life. They became my only friend, and trust me, you will go mad listening to it as you are pushed beyond exhaustion with the lack of food and nutrition. ED was a painful phase that zapped my life away from me. Recovery only truly began when I had inpatient treatment at KKH, where the doctors and nurses were strict but it was all for my own good. Even though being trapped in a hospital sounds hard, it was when I was an outpatient that was even harder. With the freedom that you have by yourself, unmonitored by doctors or nurses, I often had to fight the urge to eat less than what I had to, and to exercise.
To fight such temptations, I made it a point to go out with friends and family to have meals together as the company would help distract me from disordered thoughts. I also had the motivation to recover for my 'O' levels, where I shifted my focus from wanting to be thin to wanting to be smart, for the sake of a better future. I am very thankful to have my friends in my school who supported me as well, during my ED days. Even if they do not understand, engaging with them about school, gossips and homework would take my mind off ED. When I was alone, I found activities to keep myself engaged. Ultimately, distracting myself from such thoughts helped me through recovery a lot.
ED taught me that being stick bone thin is NOT beautiful. When I reached that stage, I looked sick. I looked like I needed help. I looked malnourished. It is NOT pretty. I also learnt that looks are not everything, that in this superficial world we live in, what matters most is one’s personality. We should live our life being happy, spending time with our loved ones and doing activities that we like.
ED is the complete opposite of happiness, what life is NOT supposed to be. If you are currently struggling from ED, always remember to be strong and pull yourself out of it. Food is not an enemy but it seeks to nourish you and gives you the energy to be happy again. Do not be trapped in ED, it is not worth any second of your life as you are capable of doing so many other things. You are not alone in this fight, many have managed to recover albeit not completely but are in control of the thoughts. To the general audience that has no ED, I hope you would be more understanding towards those who suffers from it. ED is not to be taken lightly and they need support from you. If you have a friend/family who has ED, do be by her side as much as possible. This is my personal sharing of my own ED story and I hope more will understand about it and know how to better cope with it. Warmest Regards,
Anonymous ☺