Recovery Story: Stephanie

I was the chubby kid since young, and being in an all-girls secondary school, I saw how other girls were much fitter and slimmer than I was. However, I never really took this comparison seriously until Secondary 3. In September 2012, I wanted to get fitter, healthier. I discovered a fitness app, which helped me track my exercise and eating. I started off innocently recording what I ate and did. Gradually, I became addicted to calorie counting and always strived to eat below the recommended number of calories. I started doing lots of cardio in the gym, starting from 10 mins to exercising up to 5 hours a day. I didn't know where my determination to do repetitive exercise came from but somehow, I just did it. I felt accomplished and I had a lot of discipline to exercise every day in such a manner. Within 4 months, I had lost a lot of weight and felt good about myself because I saw the results that I wanted. When I returned to school in 2013, I started getting glances because of my size. I desired the attention. However, classes restrained the time I had to gym, causing me to resort to running before school, during breaks and in between classes. It came to the point where I started lying about 'being okay' when my peers and teachers showed me concern. After school, I would also rush out of class to gym even more. All this continued for 1.5 months until 14 Feb (Valentine's Day). I was unknowingly brought to the hospital by my parents. A check-up revealed that my heart rate was dangerously low, and I was immediately admitted to hospital. I thought I was only being monitored and would be discharged in a few days; but the days turned into weeks and I was trapped, bedridden for 3.5 weeks. From day one of hospitalisation, I finally realised that I was very underweight. I wanted to recover, but of course, this came with many downs. Being inpatient was the worst part of recovery. I had to be monitored by the nurses 24/7 due to my exercise addiction. I sneaked sit-ups and leg lifts while in bed. I was being watched if I finished all my food, and if I didn't, I had to drink Ensure (a caloric supplement). I detested the milk so I usually tried my best to finish my food. The jump from eating so little, to 6 meals a day with 3 portions of supplements scared me; I tried ways and means to beat the system, but was caught red-handed and put on 'the naughty list'. My parents and helper played an important role in helping me recover, trying to help me in all ways possible. They visited me daily after work, and I saw how they were stressed over me. They spent a lot of money on hospital fees and getting cartons of Ensure milk for me. My helper would take care of me from 6am-7pm daily. Because I was hospitalised in the middle of the school term, she would collect my homework and hand in assignments on my behalf. I also saw her being very tired. I felt like I was a burden to my family, causing them suffering from my hospitalisation. I ate better and finally managed to convince them to discharge me after 3.5 weeks. My studies, family and CCA commitments were my motivation to get discharged. The journey after being discharged was a roller coaster; I had to go for appointments twice a week, which disrupted my parents' work schedule and my studies. It was also very expensive to keep seeing the Paediatrician, Dietitian, Psychologist. My daily intake of 3 Ensure Milks was the costliest part of my recovery. My mental state wasn't that stable after getting out of the hospital. I would cry over an extra tablespoon of rice, when a dish was too oily or when I had to eat food I feared. You name it, I probably cried over many insignificant things. When I got back to school, my mum sacrificed her job by taking 6 months of no-pay leave to ensure that I was eating well, not exercising. She and my helper would go to school to eat lunch with me and deliver my Ensure milk. I didn't like getting attention from my peers when I ate with my mum and helper, so I convinced myself to eat better and more independently. Coincidentally, there was a schoolmate who suffered an ED around the same time as I did. We started eating together on some occasions. We've been encouraging each other and pushing our boundaries together. Months went by and before I knew it, I was weight restored. This started a new phase of recovery where weight was not the main concern, but my mental health. I struggled a lot with eating still, though I was eating regularly but I was very fixated on what time I ate, what I ate, how much I ate. It's like the hospital routine was still in me. I had to wait for a number of hours later before I ate my next meal. I was very comfortable with home cooked food because it was predictable and healthy. Outside food and social gatherings scared me a lot. During that period, I was invited to City Harvest Church for my first church service by my Cousin. My helper is Christian. Her cell group and her constantly prayed for my speedy recovery. I was introduced to God slightly after weight restoration. Something inside me leaned to God for comfort, love, strength and determination to want to recover as well. 2013 was a stressful year for me due to O Levels. My weight stagnated and I blamed it on stress from studies, though secretly a part of me wanted to remain at min. healthy weight. I struggled with weight gain after restoration very much. I also had to deal with bad body image, despite being at min. healthy weight.

The next stage of education came which was JC. Transitioning from an all-girls to a mixed school was a big thing for me. I slid back from the right track of recovery for the 2 years in JC. I started exercising because I was allowed to by the Doctor and I loved it. I have to admit that I knew I was getting addicted again. I started to cut down on food because I was granted freedom from the parents in school. I forgot how I felt about myself back then. But I knew I was lonely. I wouldn't eat with my friends at all because I was scared. I was very quiet. I pushed away many friends and social interactions. I do regret it now because I wish I had forged closer friendships with my peers. After A levels, I had a long break before uni started. I was determined to break my cycle of deprivation. I started going to work, ate better, exercised less. I also started to adopt a vegan diet. I watched a lot of success stories on YouTube, recovering from an ED. I was inspired by them and wanted to try it out. I cut out meat, went pescetarian then. I felt so much better, had more energy. I liked it. However, because of my past 2 years of restriction during JC, my sudden transition to eating so much more made me gain heaps of weight on TOP of my healthy weight. I saw a very visible gain on the scale when I went back to hospital for check-ups. My clothes clothes couldn't fit me as well. I started being very conscious of my body. My mentality was "I am so fat". From Jan- Aug 2016, I was struggling with weight issues, eating habits. My parents commented that if I continued eating the way I did, I would be overweight. And indeed, I peaked at the borderline of overweight BMI, and I knew that I HAD to change my eating habits.

I decided to go vegan as much as I could, though it was strongly opposed by my parents. I ate properly, listened to my body cues for hunger and satiation. I gained more weight initially but slowly the weight is (and still currently) finding a balance. Ever since weight restoration in Sep 2012, everyone has been waiting for my natural period to come. My parents have been emphasising so much on my getting it back and stressing me to get it back. I was referred to the gyne for pills to make it come because I have Osteoporosis. I know that they mean well and want my body to fully recover but this takes time. It has been 4 years plus since weight restoration but I've not gotten it back naturally.

Anyways... I have to thank every single person around me for helping me in recovery, especially my parents and helpers. Not forgetting the other ED warriors whom I got to know through social media. I keep them close to me because we've seen each other at our worst and when we talk about the past, we laugh over it. I also have to thank God for giving me strength and keeping me on the right track. Life lessons: Treasure your family and friends because they are the main people who will support you through recovery. I've seen my parents and helper age so much since the incident. It breaks my heart. Everything happens for a reason. Getting ED made me mentally stronger. I made some very close and good friends through the community of warriors whom I keep close to my heart. It helped me grow in many ways I never knew I could. I can rely on God as He gives me strength to overcome anything. Food is fuel, not evil. Comparison is the thief of joy. Word of advice It's a painful and expensive experience. It made me push my friends away, I made my parents worry and stress. Not only did I suffer, the people whom I love most suffered too. Love and treasure the people around you. Eat what you want, whenever you want, freely. Disregard negativity in life. Practice a moment of gratitude every day. Be yourself, love the flawed you. With love, Stephanie