Journey to Self-Love
3.5 years ago, I was diagnosed with severe anorexia and orthorexia. It all started because I tried to pursue ‘perfectionism’. Before that, I was never overweight, I had a rather petite frame but I didn’t appreciate my body size at that time. So I started by cutting out the junk food from my diet to be ‘healthy’, but it all got out of control and I became extremely obsessed with eating “clean” and exercising. Not long after, I successfully shed a significant amount of weight, but I had no more strength to continue with my daily activities (what's more going to school to sit for my GCE O Levels exams). I could not even sleep well, because all I could do was think about how I can avoid food in school/ at home and eat a meagre amount of food daily. I had lost almost everything: my weight, my friends, my family relationship, my health and almost my life. However, I would not admit to having an eating disorder.
The day I was admitted to hospital, I remembered Dad came all the way to my school to fetch me; He knew that I will find a way to skip my medical appointment because I did not want to receive treatment, so he took a leave and came all the way to school. I was so weak at that time (it's difficult for me to even get up from my bed once I lie down) that he carried my school bag for me and held on to my fragile arms when I walked up the stairs. That was not a big deal for him, but as a 16 year old girl at that time, when my father carried my bag for me and held my arms IN MY SCHOOL, I was seriously ashamed and embarrassed of myself. However, I was left without a choice, I knew that I will not have the strength to do these things by myself. That was probably the last time I attended lessons in school. I did not bid a proper farewell to my friends, I was not able to attend night class to revise for O levels with them, and little did I know that this 2nd admission was going to be a close to 6 months stay.
Throughout my stay, I had to rely on myself to revise for O levels and learn the topics that my teacher had left me hanging there by myself. It was not easy to accept treatment and study for O levels at the same time. However, I was blessed to have the medical students, doctors and even Samaritans who volunteered to coach me for my studies or teach what I had missed out in school. With their help, although I did not get excellent grades for my Os, I still managed to get into a Junior College, despite missing school for close to 6 months.
Fast forward to today, I would say that I’m not 100% recovered but at least, I’m weight restored & physically recovered. However, there are still times when I feel really insecure with myself and especially my body. Thinking back, I was such a brat at that time to refuse treatment, as I blamed my parents for forcing me to be an inpatient and defied against treatment rules.
So what motivated me to recover?
Firstly, I realised that there were many people around me who sincerely loved and cared for me. They did not lose faith in me although there were many times when I lost my faith in recovery. They gave me hope and encouraged me not to give up. If they did not give up on me even though they had seen my lowest, all the more I had to fight for myself.
Secondly, I had reached a stage of deprivation. I wanted to regain my life, like how I used to before all these things had started. After all, I felt sick of being sick. There were still many more things in life that I had yet to see/ experience in my own eyes. I think that everyone, including myself, deserves much more than being trapped in the vicious ed cycle. For that I’m determined to do what is right for my body.
Lastly, I wanted to inspire people who were going through similar struggles. If I can overcome it, I'll be stronger in future. Keeping all these positive mindsets, I survived. :)
I am an ordinary recovery warrior, just like everyone, I fight for happiness and life. If I’ve managed to overcome that tough phase of life, I believe that everyone else struggling out there can do it too. Recovery is worth it; if I did not chose this route at that point in time, I wouldn’t even be here now. I am thankful and blessed that I made a wise decision, and I won’t regret my decision. Life can be enjoyable too.