Recovery Story: Vivien
My Eating Disorder journey began in Secondary 3. I was a young teenage girl with an innocent wish to lose some weight to look better, influenced by the ‘thin, beautiful bodies’ portrayed on social media. I began to track calories and exercised regularly, and what started out as a healthy, simple exercise plan quickly spiralled into a cycle of restricting and eating below my “daily recommended intake”, whilst constantly increasing my levels of activity. Thinking back, the ‘trigger’ to my ED was probably when I saw a ‘diet plan’ on Instagram, a 21-day fast from a list of foods such as white carbs, sugars, sweets, candies. I followed it religiously, and eventually the supposed 3-week fast, became an addiction and restriction that I set for myself in daily life. I lost a significant amount of weight in a short span of time, and I was pleased with the results; the compliments I received from my friends and family only served to spur me on further into this unhealthy cycle of dieting and exercising.
However, this season of fulfillment and satisfaction did not last as my diet turned highly restrictive, I began to cut out social meetings to avoid eating certain foods, and my frail physique became a big concern to the people around me. The school secretly liaised with my parents to bring me to see a psychiatrist at SGH. That fateful day, I remember sitting in the clinic bawling my eyes out as the doctor diagnosed me with my eating disorder, refusing to accept this reality. Unknowingly, this ED had taken over my entire life, and only at that point was I able to see it clearly, that I WAS sick and that I desperately needed help if I wanted to live.
The journey of recovery was never easy. Set on a meal plan and supplements, I was forced to incorporate all types of food back into my diet, eating much more than I was used to, and being prohibited from exercising. I had frequent panic attacks, crying even when I was made to eat just a spoonful more of rice, or if the food was too oily. I got anxious easily and the initial stages of recovery was the hardest for me; I argued constantly with my family and doctors, refusing to gain weight and always trying to find loopholes to beat the system.
The breakthrough in my recovery came from a very unexpected place: Instagram. Through IG, I found a community of people who also suffered from the same disorder that I did, who went/ were going through similar struggles as me. Through this platform, I finally found people who understood me, whom I could relate to and encourage each other through the recovery process. We began meeting up to challenge ourselves to “fear foods”, such as ice cream, pizza, prata…things that we had defined as ‘bad’ and had eliminated from our lives due to ED. As we challenged these things together, shared our stories and got to know each other better, not only did my relationship with food improve, my mental health also became more stable. I was happier and I felt less controlled by my ED. The presence of this strong source of support from the community and encouragement from my family and friends were the main drivers of my recovery.
Looking back, ED really changed my life and taught me many valuable lessons, both good and bad. I realised that ED is more than just a physical illness, it is a MENTAL DISORDER. The battle between you and ED isn’t always something visible from the outside, the real fight happens 80% of the time in your head. Personally, I believe that mental recovery is much more crucial than physical recovery; not because weight is unimportant, but because our mental state plays a much larger part in our recovery process. Anyone can gain weight easily through drinking supplements and eating more, but not everyone can recover mentally back to a healthy, stable state. One piece of advice I would really like to encourage other ED warriors is to never give up and focus on your mental recovery. Recovery from ED is truly made easier when it is something you desire, when you want to get better for whatever reason, and having this motivation helps to spur you towards your goal. I highlight the mental aspect because your mind, your relationship with food, your body image and perspective about yourself, self-love and self-acceptance… these are just some uncompromisable factors that, if restored, can help you move on from your ED more smoothly.
If you ask me, “Do you regret getting yourself into an eating disorder?”, I would honestly tell you, No. I don’t. Yes, eating disorders are horrible monsters in your head that no one should have to deal with. But through my ED, I grew so much and learnt to appreciate things around me. I began to love myself more, see food in a different light, and cherish the people/things around me. My ED taught me persistence and acceptance, and having a religious faith also helped in my healing. Till this day, I thank God for all the friends He has blessed me with, be it the ones that I met on Instagram, or those who stayed through my darkest moments. I thank God for letting me live, when I could have jolly well collapsed and died 4 years back in my emaciated state. I was granted a new life ☺
I guess I will conclude by saying that recovery is a choice and recovery is up to you to choose and fight for. The road is definitely not easy, there will be ups and downs, victories and losses, but ultimately, believe that you have a greater battle to be won and that each small victory is a stepping stone to success, whilst each loss/failure is a lesson to learn from.
Recovery is something you need to choose for yourself, because no one else can do it for you. People can encourage you, empathize with you, compromise with you, but at the end of the day, the final decision rests in your hands. Whether you choose to listen to ED, or listen to your heart and body… that is up to you. But I really, sincerely hope that you will always choose life. Choose love. Choose freedom. Because you deserve much more, and life is worth so much more than your eating disorder (-: All the best in your journey!
God Bless,
Vivien